Boy Story- Barney Rubble

       Another of my many (many, many) dating disasters was with Barney Rubble, so named because that’s exactly what he looked like; a short, unbelievably hairy, blonde little caveman.  With similar manners.  Not even his British accent was enough to save him, poor lad.  After my experiences with this man, I have composed the following tips for the fellas on how to ensure you do not get a second date.

1-      When you ask a girl out and she arrives as requested all dressed up and fancy, know that she is expecting dinner or a movie or something.  Ha!  There is no acceptable reason on earth to ask a woman out and conform to this silly convention, however.  Instead, you should make her run errands with you, including: making returns to stores, buying parts for your car, and doing your weekly grocery shopping.  If you ask her to carry your bags for you and she does, she is either very nice or very stupid.  Give her the heaviest bag.

2-      When you are leaving said grocery store a good two hours after your super fun date began, and you ask the woman if she is hungry, she will assume you mean to take her to a restaurant. But why do that when you are already at a store?  For good measure, you should let out a heavy sigh of exasperation while you turn around to go back through the grocery store doors.  Don’t wait for her, if she is hungry enough, she will follow you. 

3-      Frozen pizza is always classy on a first date.  Better still, if your date confesses that she is allergic to your favorite brand of frozen pizza and timidly requests another, go ahead and berate her for being a HUGE inconvenience, the silly bitch.  Make it clear that in getting Red Baron instead of Freschetta, this means she is going to owe you big time in the future. 

4-      Upon returning to your apartment to eat the frozen pizza, remember that you are as fearsome and majestic (and hairy) as a lion upon the wild Serengeti.  Give your date one small slice of pizza for politeness sake- the one that has the least toppings- and then go ahead and devour the rest of it as fast as possible.  Eating so fast you have tomato sauce all over your face like an 18-month-old infant is sexy.  Leave it there.   

5-      If your big evening plans involve cuddling up on a couch to watch a movie instead of paying to see one, don’t worry about having a large, expensive television.  The 8” screen is just fine.  Also try to have it at least 45 yards away from the sofa.

6-      If your face is covered in tomato sauce and you have not shaved in days thereby making your face about as soft as a wire haired bristle brush, this is the perfect time to move in for the snuggle!

7-      After the first hour and a half of the movie when she has rebuffed your cuddling attempts, feel free to get angry and turn off the movie before the conclusion, announcing that you are tired and it is time for her to go home now.

8-      It is perfectly permissible to send her repeated texts thereafter asking her out and you are allowed to become furious when she mysteriously doesn’t respond for no good reason.  Women, right?  You may now slander her to your mutual friends.