A Touch of Self-Pity to Ring in the New Year

        New Years Eve this year falls on a Saturday.  I should be primping right now for an outrageous party, but instead I have spent most of the day curled up in a ball feeling ridiculously sorry for myself.  My life has taken an unexpected turn and I can’t see quite how to get out of it.  I used to be a very social person with a large circle of friends.  Almost every week we did something- going out dancing or bowling or staying in for Strange and Unusual Movie Night.  We always had “Girls Night + The Gays” where a whole gang of us would launch our selves upon society to “wreak havoc” as we used to say.  I love people and no matter how exhausted I was or how not-in-the-mood I felt, get me around my people and I could party till I dropped.  It didn’t matter that we were all in different places in life- some in school, some married and starting families, others involved in careers- we made the time to be together. 

       But an odd thing happened when I moved across the country.  I was of course gutted to leave friends who’ve been with me most of my life, but I was excited too to meet new people and gain new circles and see new places.  Not how it turned out, as a matter of fact.  I spent my first year and a half at my new university too busy to sleep or even breathe much less make friends.  I was slow to discover clubs and organizations, and by the time I found some amazing acquaintances… school was all over and I was out of the loop again.  Now for the last few months I have been living cheaply with family in the middle of what is technically referred to in cartography and geography circles as “Fucking Nowhere”.  I have no ability to meet new people and in any case I am too poor to afford the gas that would get me there.  I refer to my new home as the Fortress of Solitude, and inside it I feel like a neglected parrot about one second from tearing all her feathers out.

       I am still in touch with my old friends, but there are times when I feel so sad that I cannot actually see them that it’s almost physically painful.  I want to apologize to Mycole and Meredith especially- you ladies are my world and I need to be better at showing it.  My few acquaintances out here never think to invite me out or to parties, probably because I looked like such a social loner when I arrived.  I don’t know how to correct it, or if I can.  I am looking at a whole long year in the Fortress and unless I get accepted to grad school next fall, possibly longer!  My only breaks in the monotony of Netflicks, jigsaw puzzles, and disastrous cooking attempts have been my bi-monthly visits to my Boy.  Those help somewhat, but I still spend most of the time feeling like Anne Frank, if less productive.   A few months ago I would have thrilled to have this much free time to work on my writing or my jewelry designs, but I am starting to realize that my creativity dries up when I feel my life stalling. 

       I guess I have no purpose to this post other than to vent and maybe feel my fingers typing something other than a grad school essay or updating a resume for a job application.  It is more than time to shake it off, and I reserve the right to use any means necessary.  This kind of deep morbidity calls for an over-the-top fancy outfit and White Russians.  Lots and lots of White Russians.  Excuse me, dear readers, I am about to make tonight a party of one.  Slap party hats on the dog and all the house plants!  Kick Pandora on so loud I couldn’t talk to people even if they existed!  Find me a marabou-feathered boa!  SEEEEEEEEEQUINS!!!

       Oh yeah.  It will be epic.