Boy Story- El Cheapo con Saliva

Here are the lessons I learned from El Cheapo con Saliva:

1-      Never date a man without his own car. 

2-      If you do, do not under any circumstances allow him to talk you into to driving to some remote (but “beautiful”) location in the middle of fucking nowhere.

3-      Do not trust him when he assures you positively that you can “just park wherever”.

4-      Do not leave your purse, phone, keys, and wallet inside the car.

5-      When you get cold because the walk on this romantic little path outside the range of Screaming For Help distance is taking place in December and you throw a fit and demand to go back, do not be surprised when your car is missing.

6-      When you call the police to report a stolen car, do not start yelling at the officer after he informs you that your Jeep was not stolen, but towed to the other side of town and that you will now have to walk there.  He will not be amused or sympathetic.  He will also not give you a ride.

7-      When you arrive at the abandoned towing station in the bad part of town, in the dark, and in subzero degree temperatures with your wimpy date who informs you that he is planning to abandon you the second a mugger approaches, remember to wear gloves so you have the feeling and dexterity in your hands to smack him.  Hard. 

8-      When you are presented with a bill for $150 to bail your Jeep out of jail, do not reasonably assume you will only have to pay half.  Not from a man who could not even bother to buy you dinner on the previous FOUR dates.  You imbecile.

9-      After you ignore him for a few days out of anger, thus prompting him to ask what is wrong and you tell him that he should’ve helped pay for the car’s bail, be sure to emphasize a clear desired dollar amount; do not leave this up to chance.

10-  When he apologetically asks you to come over, do not go with the expectation that money and sympathy will be forthcoming.

11-  Instead you should expect that, after a rather sloppy and disappointing groping session on the couch, you will prepare to leave by putting on your coat and jangling your keys and he will get a blank look on his face and then abruptly throw a $20 bill at you and say something classy like, “thanks for the snog”.

12-  Expect to feel like a very cheap hooker.